Among dance music circles, the question of why females are still so underrepresented in the DJ/producer realm never seems to get old or any closer to being answered. It comes hand in hand with smirking observations when underground dance music events often end up primarily attended by males. But while laughing over “sausage fests” and hand wringing as to why more women aren’t vinyl heads, few have stopped to consider the environments in which most dance music is consumed. We tend to think of underground dance music nights and the clubs they happen in as fairly egalitarian spaces where everyone is welcome to get into the grooves. You would need to wear sunglasses at night, however, to miss how inaccurate that can be, particularly for female club-goers. A place where people let go of their inhibitions doesn’t necessarily breed the best decision making, and friendliness so easily crosses the line into creepiness.

We’ve all heard first- and third-hand stories about women enduring this kind of intoxicated harassment; some have dealt with it personally. As such, there’s every reason to point out some of the untoward and often embarrassing actions some men get away with regularly in night clubs, making the spaces less welcoming. So with the help of friends and peers, I’ve assembled a quick guide of How Not To Treat Women In Nightclubs, something every gent should remind themselves of from time to time. Many are good rules of thumb in general and apply more broadly, but for the sake of my lady friends, this one is dedicated to them. All the illustrations are by the immensely talented and generous Ben Sigas.

Avoid “dance rape” moves which entrap your unwitting dance partner
Although the phrase “dance rape” is perhaps a bit alarmist, this all too common series of “dance moves” is a perfect example of how guys barrel through personal space boundaries without consideration for how it comes off. Using an arm or foot to pin a woman against some structure in the club is not only frightening, it’s rarely taken as just another friendly maneuver without consequences (sometimes a knee to the balls is warranted). Men try to wield control over women in untold numbers of ways; this sorry attempt to get women’s attention is perhaps the most basic and unreasonable of them all in a club setting.

Don’t use a crowded dance floor to cop a feel
We’ve all been there: you’re getting into the music when you hand brushes against someone or theirs brushes against you. Usually this is a no-harm-no-foul situation, dismissed with a knowing grin between people who are feeling the music. In a crowded setting, however, it can easily become the pretext for contact that’s hardly incidental. Barely a step above pulling on a girl’s pigtails, groping is perhaps the most cowardly and juvenile of all the offenses on the list. That doesn’t make it any less unwelcome. Keep your hands to yourselves, guys.

Don’t assume all women are straight. Don’t get weird when you find out otherwise
Although many men are aware of the limits of their attractiveness, when fed enough intoxicants some tend to view themselves as irresistible. Meeting a lesbian completely immune to their charm, then, can be quite a shock to the system, perhaps prompting a disagreeable or even violent reaction to the news. Just as offensive, however, is the man who demands to see women kiss to prove it and gratify his personal fantasies. As if objectifying women isn’t bad enough, trying to turn the club into the place where cheap porn-informed scenarios play out while you whip out your camera phone is just sleazy.

Don’t try to pay a woman to dance or get with your friend
Several women told me that at some point they’d been offered money to dance with some sad sack by his buddies. Of course this so called act of compassion — “please, just dance with my friend for $20 so he doesn’t feel like a loser” — is almost laughably crude. It’s also sadly revealing of how some men believe the average woman will toss away her dignity for a tenner or two. The only plausible explanation I’ve come up with for this happening is that a lot of guys would definitely dance with a woman for a few bucks. A dollar doesn’t make everyone holler, honey boo boo.

Don’t grab a woman’s phone to give her your number
Despite feeling compelled to write this piece, I know not all clubs are awful places where women are preyed on. A lot times people quickly hit it off in clubs, in no small part due to chemically generated goodwill. In these situations boundaries seem more fluid and personal space appears less of a concern, all until you reach for a woman’s phone. This would be a rather simple solution for a number of communication problems if it didn’t fail so miserably at communicating. Most guys wouldn’t dare grab a new acquaintance’s phone if it was another man holding it. A woman may seem less threatening, but no less likely to be pissed at that power grab.

Avoid booking all female lineups
When asked about the gender-related clubbing pet peeves, Marea Vierge-Noire gave this exemplary response which must be presented in full: “Don’t book women onto all female lineups. Separating women from men on lineups is rarely a celebration of women’s contributions to dance music. More often, it sends the message that we should be separated to even the playing field, as if there were a disadvantage to account for. This isn’t the Olympics. We’re not being compared to men in the shot-put category. Don’t book women because they’re women and they’re adequate for the job. Book women because they’re right for your show. Book women because they’re better than the guy you were thinking about booking and don’t book them if they aren’t.”

Don’t touch the mixer or her while she’s DJing
In smaller, more local settings where audiences and DJs know each other well, “booth” policy tends to be a bit relaxed. Usually having friends close at hand is a boon, but a contingent of men feel compelled to insert themselves into their female friend’s DJ set once inside. The art of mixing doesn’t look easy without a lot of work, so getting hugged mid-cue is probably not the one. Still worse is the pal who “just wants to help” by giving the EQs a tweak — because you almost had it perfect. It would be rude to force yourself on anyone’s DJ set, but it sets an especially bad example to literally nitpick a woman’s performance.

Take a hint — she’s just not that into you
Look, I don’t know how to break it to you any other way. She’s given you the cold shoulder, refused your drinks, dodged you in crowds and flat out walked away. Just because she wants to dance doesn’t mean she wants to dance with you. I’m well aware you’ve had a few drinks and have the hots for a woman who is clearly not interested. Take the hint: this is your opportunity to walk away from this situation with a little dignity and your genitals un-bruised. You can try your hand again another time, with another woman, but this time it’s over. And recognizing this will save you a lot of trouble and embarrassment. Taxi!

Addendum

One thing I should have included in the original version of this feature was a simple but very important piece of advice: If you see a woman being harassed, say something to the club’s staff or step in yourself to stop it.

I couldn’t have written this without the help of Marea Vierge-Noire, Elly Schook, Mica Alaniz, Denise Dalphond, Maggie Litgen, Kelly Delaney, and Yazi The DJ. Thanks, ladies.